TV participant Monica on sex, desire, and pleasure at 60+

Monica Sundberg is a passionate woman who has the ability to create an intimate atmosphere of sensuality and has become an inspiration for many women through her openness. With her warm smile, she took the Swedish people by storm through her participation in the first dating TV show in Sweden for seniors. In this interview, Monica openly talks about how one can enrich their sex life throughout life and explore the world of desire where pleasure is an important part of well-being.

WHAT DOES DESIRE MEAN TO YOU?

Desire is very important to me because it is the desire for life! You can also have desire for many other things such as exercise, food, and travel, but the strongest desire is the sexual one. It is the strongest drive we have!

HAS YOUR DESIRE ALWAYS BEEN STRONG?

Yes, my desire has actually been there since I was young. Desire for me is also curiosity about life, which I've always had and then desire has come along with it. During the early childhood years you were of course very tired but I still had an exciting life and have always liked meeting new people. I was a flight attendant and got to travel a lot that way and also got a lot of desire through my fun job. You had to try to fit in the sexual desire in between. But yes, desire has always been there. The downside during those years was that I lost a bit of contact with my body when I was tired and worn out and working nights. I didn't always eat so healthily and gained some weight and was probably not as comfortable in my body then. But my attitude towards desire today is about the same as when I was 25 years old.

HOW DO YOU RELATE TO YOUR BODY TODAY?

Actually, there's not much difference but what's important is that you feel good and I do. It's also so important that the body gets some endorphins. I think that's very important!

HOW DO YOU GET ENDORPHINS? 

You can get it through exercise or by meeting wonderful friends who give a lot of positive energy and then of course if you meet a man you feel attracted to, then it's just WOW! I like that tension. And making out a lot! I've always said I love making out a lot. It's so damn wonderful. And dancing! I think that's absolutely fantastic. All that gives lots of endorphins that make you feel good.

HAS YOUR DESIRE CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

No, not really that much. I was quite liberated as a young person too. I met a guy when I was 16 and he was two years younger than me (laughs) and we were together for five years but we were very... well, we knew nothing about sex or our bodies. But we were still quite smart because we ordered a book about sex positions (laughs) and it was a thick book with illustrated positions and I remember his mom had to pick up that book. We went through that book quite diligently, until we were completely sweaty, because we were both equally curious and we weren't shy at all with each other. I think I've had such a good start in life because of that. Which has actually followed me throughout my life and has made me liberated and able to love my body. Having a positive first sexual experience I think has shaped me. My sexual experiences have been positive throughout my life. I've never been subjected to any unpleasantness that I didn't want and maybe that's unusual? I think I've also chosen the right men and maybe also been a bit lucky of course. My desire hasn't changed but I've had it throughout my life. 

HOW DO YOU KEEP THE SEXUAL DESIRE ALIVE?

In a relationship you actually have to work on that! To get closeness, to do things together and to surprise each other and if you have little time then you have to book some day in the week or whenever it's possible. Some might need to watch porn and you can also try sex toys or watch romantic movies. Trying to keep the sex drive alive is damn important. If you are single you have to take responsibility yourself to feel good in different ways. You can go out dancing and flirting and making out (laughs). You have to help yourself to keep the sex drive going and you must not lose it because then you drift away from it somehow and then the desire disappears more and more and it can be hard to get back. That's why I think you should keep your sex life going with yourself. Try a dildo and sex toys. Also dare to tell your partner how you want it. The less sex you have the less you actually want. You can almost get used to not having sex.

HOW OFTEN SHOULD YOU HAVE SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP?

It varies with how often you have sex and what need you have. Some think once a week but I've had men who want sex 2–3 times a week but that would be too much for me (laughs). I can think 1–2 times a week but that depends a bit. But it can't be once a month, that's too rare for me. Sleeping naked together also gives a lot. It shouldn't just be sex. You also have to be able to have closeness and lie naked together without always having sex.

HAVE YOU EVER LOST YOUR SEX DRIVE?

No, I actually don't think so. If I haven't had a partner then I've made sure to do it myself and in that way kept the sex drive alive. I've also been lucky or whatever you want to call it, since I've always been quite pursued. That keeps the sex drive alive and also gives lots of endorphins in the body which is very pleasurable and also keeps you young (laughs).

HOW DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK TO DESIRE AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

I was 63 years old when I got divorced and right after the separation I thought that now I have to do something fun. So I went with a friend to Cuba and danced salsa and was there for 5 weeks just giving it my all; here is my new life! There was salsa school during the day, then the beach and after that salsa club in the evening. We shared a plastic bottle with rum and sparkling water in the taxi to the salsa club and then we danced out. We were completely crazy and it was so damn fun! I was over 60 years old and my friend was just a little over 20 and had a mother who was born in Cuba. In Cuba, age does not exist. No one asks about your age but there it's all about the butt. We were out as two friends and we were both equally crazy (laughs).  I could write a book about that. When I came home, I moved directly into my new single apartment in Uppsala. I didn't know anyone in Uppsala but started going to a salsa school, and there was a salsa club and fun parties; age really doesn't matter! Salsa is fantastic. It's sensual when you sway your hips, and there's romantic music (laughs). I love to dance. In Stockholm, I go dancing at the club Soul Train.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR SEXUAL DESIRE DISAPPEARS?

It can be that you want to have sex but the body doesn't want to, for example if you have dry mucous membranes. Then there is VagiVital AktivGel, which is absolutely fantastic for dry and fragile mucous membranes. Because if you have dry mucous membranes, you also lose the pleasure. I use the gel regularly and have done a full course, and now I use it once a week, which is enough for me. You have to maintain the intimate area so it doesn't hurt, and then sex becomes so much better.

VagiVital AktivGel for dry mucous membranes can be found here https://vagivital.se/products/vagivital-aktivgel-36-ml-cirka-30-doser

If you have difficulty reaching orgasm, which sometimes takes a little longer as you get older, it's important to have fantasies. I always think that helps a lot. You might not always need to have an orgasm either, but the pleasure before when you're making out is also wonderful, and much of the desire is also in the brain. I believe that if you have difficulty reaching orgasm, you need to tell your partner how you want it. You might also need to help yourself during sex, but I think that can feel shameful for many women who feel that the man should make sure they have an orgasm. From the man's side, I think some might think they can't give her an orgasm without her helping herself, and then it becomes uncomfortable for him. That is sensitive in some way. You need to talk about how difficult it can sometimes be for women to reach orgasm, and then you need to show how you can do it and what you enjoy. All women are different and get satisfied in different ways, and it can be hard for the man to know how his particular woman reaches orgasm. It's an interaction all the time.  You have to dare to talk about that and also show how you want it. Take his hand, show him what to do, and communicate a lot, but it's not always that easy. Older men can sometimes have a bit more difficulty with that. You can also become very shy yourself because you notice that the man is awkward. Then you become inhibited yourself. It's hard to get the interaction right. But you notice if the man loves having sex and also loves the woman's body - then everything becomes much easier. If you have had a long relationship, you can lose some of the desire for sex and then you can also get feelings of guilt that you don't want it. The man might want it more often. The woman takes on the practical things and everything that must be done. There you can get tired and then it's important to talk about it too. That you have an understanding man who doesn't get angry or upset.

HAS STRESS BEEN ABLE TO AFFECT YOUR SEXUAL DESIRE?

I felt stress during the years with children because we both flew, my ex-husband as a pilot and I as a flight attendant. It was very difficult to manage everything with life and the children. Sometimes we worked nights on some flight and when you came home it wasn't always possible to sleep because then you had the children. But we got through that somehow. If you are positive, it still works. Make the best of the situation. You must not only see the negative. We still had jobs we enjoyed and children we loved and it actually worked. That wasn't what made us separate. We also both had humor. I think humor is very important in a relationship. That you can laugh in the stress.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SHAME RELATED TO SEX?

Female sexuality can be stigmatized and women themselves can feel shame about their genitals or their desire. A genital smells a certain way and some men actually get turned on by that too (laughs). I think that should be pointed out. You shouldn't feel any shame about that. As long as you keep yourself clean and fresh. Then you don't need to feel any shame. And you shouldn't feel any shame about how you look either since all genitals actually look different. I think we should throw that out the window. I have understood that many young women have a lot of shame about their bodies and sexuality because many young women have contacted me and asked how I could be so liberated when, for example, I bathed naked in a waterfall on TV. That I dare to show my body. I believe and hope that I have changed many young women's way of thinking there and inspired them. What I am happiest about after this series is that I have inspired so many to be free in their bodies. Love your body, how it looks, and also love yourself!

DO YOU TALK WITH GIRLFRIENDS ABOUT DESIRE & SEX?

I have girlfriends with whom I talk a lot about sex and relationships. We think it's a very interesting topic and I have a few with whom I can do that. I often get others to become very open and talk about sex because I am so outspoken. I think it's a truly fantastic and exciting subject. It's rewarding and interesting and you also learn from each other. It's fun to discuss sex. It's a part of life.

By: Fanny Falkman Grinndal

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